The Ultimate Legend of Zelda Destiny
by Lieutenant Shroom
Summary: The Ultimate Showdown becomes frightfully blown out of proportion in this completely random Zelda battle to the death! If you can't be bothered to read 3619 words of Zelda characters beating the crud out of eachother, don't read.


The Ultimate Legend of Zelda Destiny

A/N- I don't own Lemon Demon or Zelda.

_Old Godzilla was hoppin' around,_

_Tokyo City like a big playground._

_When suddenly Batman burst from the shade,_

_And hit Godzilla with a Bat-grenade._

"What do you mean, sold out?"

Queen Gohma was rather annoyed. She was only just coming out from Mt Dragon Roost to buy a newspaper, but apparently they had "_sold out_". Leaning down, with her huge, single eye leering from her carapace-covered head, you couldn't blame the paperboy from being scared quite frankly senseless. Apparently, it showed, too, as a permeating odour reached Gohma. The huge centipede's eye quivered as she began to breathe fire from her massive mouth. Simply put, the paperboy ran out of Castle Town like he was being pursued by the devil. Gohma sighed and sat back, contemplating whether to pursue the fleeing sales boy or whether to just give it up. Opening her wallet, she wondered if she had enough for fifty pairs of new shoes.

Before the cobbler could be taxed with making one hundred stilettos, a quite helpful deus ex machina struck her.

More eloquently put, she was hit by a Powder Keg thrown by a certain Young Link in a soul mask.

_Godzilla got pissed and began to attack,_

_But didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq._

_Who proceeded to open a can of shaq-fu,_

_When Aaron Carter came out of the blue._

"OH IT'S ON, DOUCHEBAG."

Gohma swarmed against Young Link, who had removed the Goron Mask. But he avoided her giant claw swipe with an energetic leap to the side. Young Link drew his sword and poked Gohma on the arm, who roared and tried to strike again. But the massive insect was cut off by a leaping object. Odowala swung his huge sword at Gohma, scratching her carapace whilst yelling out.

"AHHH-HIGHT!" (If you've seen the Odowala fight you'll know what I mean)

The masked jungle warrior started punching Gohma's face, earning a couple cracks in the massive shell. Satisfied with the results, he leapt off of Gohma leaving her to blunder in pain. He then saw Young Link, who gasped as the warrior released an army of moths to take him down. But Adult Link shot a Fire Arrow into the middle of the swarm, burning them all to death. Odowala charged towards him, but he ran right into the Mirror Shield. As he fell onto the ground, Link jumped on top of him and punched his face repeatedly, causing the mask spirit to spit up blood.

_He started beating up Shaquille O'Neal,_

_When they both got flattened by the Batmobile._

_But before it could make it to the BatCave,_

_Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave._

Adult Link started hitting Odowala with the Megaton Hammer. The masked jungle warrior was thrown towards the outer city wall with the incredible force of the blow. Putting away the hammer, Link decided to grab some Lon Lon Milk. This was a big mistake, as Young Link then blew him backwards into Odowala with an Ice Arrow. Lying there frozen, there was not a lot Adult Link could do when Young Link on Epona charged towards the two warriors. Odowala braced himself for the blow, lashing out at the horse. But Epona was wily, and made the mask spirit miss whilst kicking him in the chest. But Adult Link got hit with the full-on force of the blow, as the ice around him cracked- and he cracked too. Epona kicked the pieces of Adult Link out of the way, then went on to charge towards Gohma, who had recovered from the blow that Odowala had dealt her. But one person saw the small Link coming.

"Oh no! That boy has a human mask on! I better get the Mask Laser!"

And the Happy Mask Salesman receded into his store to find the heavy weapon he needed.

_He pulled an AK-47 out from under his hat,_

_And blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat._

_But he ran out of bullets and ran away,_

_Because Optimus Prime came to save the day._

The Happy Mask Salesman came out of his shop into the damaged Castle Town with a huge laser cannon.

"Alright, now all I have to do is set it to the right mode…"

The strange man gasped as a huge geyser of dark energy shot up from the earth on the other side of Castle Town. In his shock, he fumbled the controls, and projected a deadly-looking laser beam towards Epona. Young Link was shocked as Epona's legs were disintegrated by the futuristic beam. The blood that came spurting out of the holes lasted a while as legs, but eventually the red geysers ran out. Unable to stop his own momentum, Young Link and Epona ground all the way across Castle Town, with Epona becoming nothing more than a red stain on the ground. Clutching his head, Young Link got up just in time to see the Happy Mask Salesman shoot a scattered array of lasers that impacted in moments. Link screamed as he was thrown back to the wall, where he fainted. The Happy Mask Salesman punched the air as he fell unconscious.

"I wonder where his horse went?"

At that moment, Bellum, the fiend of the Ocean King's world, flew out from the dark energy vent, locking his hungry eye on the odd man. The salesman smiled, and clicked the fire button on his laser beam.

Nothing happened.

He clicked again.

Still no dice.

The man looked in horror as he saw that the laser beam had run out of power.

"I knew I should have charged it last night!"

The strange man retreated into his strange shop to grab another weapon.

_Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime,_

_Like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime._

_Then Shaq came back covered in a tire track,_

_But Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back._

Gohma, who felt like she hadn't been focused on in ages, saw Bellum shoot blobs of sludge from his single eye. They hatched into black ChuChu-like creatures that blobbed around like odd amoebas. Bellum locked his gaze on Gohma just as she turned around, but he dismissed her as no threat. Watching his sludge creations blob around, he was horrified as Gohma swung a scythe and killed them all. With a grotesque noise, he floated over to Gohma and attacked her with his tentacles. Gohma roared and countered with a breath of fire from her huge mouth. Bellum dodged back and grabbed Gohma's scythes with four tentacles each. As he charged up a beam of dark energy, Gohma concentrated on pushing her scythes together. An increase in concentration on Bellum's behalf forced him to loosen his grip. Gohma took the initiative, and finally managed to press her scythes together….

…_. And cut Bellum's tentacles in half._

The fiend squealed as his tentacles fell to the ground, his eight stumps wiggling and bleeding copious amounts of purple blood. Gohma snapped her mandibles together and bit into Bellum, ripping off and eating his head. Unbeknownst to the other two, Odowala steadily got up, a horseshoe embedded into his chest. He took a step forward as he saw the deluge of purple coming from Bellum's decapitated body, and he raised a nonexistent eyebrow. Unfortunately, that was all the distraction it took for the huge amoeba, Morpha to leap up and grab Odowala around the chest with its aqueous, massive tentacles.

_And Batman was injured and tried to get steady,_

_When Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete._

_But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped,_

_Indiana Jones took him out with his whip._

Young Link gasped and opened his eyes on the devastation around him. Castle Town Market looked like a bloodbath- the giant centipede Gohma was eating Bellum's very chewy head, pieces of his older self were scattered around in unmelting ice, there was a huge din coming from the Happy Mask Shop, and a huge, sword-wielding warrior was being gripped by an aqueous monster. Shaking his head, he got up just as a shout came from the Mask Shop.

"EUREKA!"

The Happy Mask Shop's door was thrown open as the owner came running out with a longsword. As he stepped into the devastated square, he incanted a spell and the sword began growing. In fact, it started exploding up, until it was almost a mile high. Still holding the gargantuan sword, the Happy Mask Salesman ran towards Young Link with murder in his eye. He was just about to strike as a sudden blow from behind made him fall down, the sword instantly becoming small again. Toon Link stepped out from behind, holding both a whip and a clawshot. Young Link panicked and tried to run away from the psycho maniac, but something had already got his attention.

_Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind,_

_So he reached for his gun, which he just couldn't find._

_Because Batman stole it and he shot and he missed,_

_And Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist._

Gohma decided to sneak up on Toon Link, as he seemed a total psycho, but one stare from his "cute" eyes immobilised her in fear. Toon Link decided the best way to deal with this giant bug was by Ice Arrow, but he realised his bow wasn't there anymore. In anger, he looked around and only saw one suspect- Young Link!

Young Link was trying to shoot at the Happy Mask Salesman, as he had tried to kill him with a massive sword. Unfortunately, his eyes couldn't get the gist of the aiming right with a cel-shaded bow, and he missed horribly. The Ice Arrow veered towards Odowala and Morpha, but the amoeba was having none of that, so first it threw Odowala over the city walls, then it steeled its body against the blow, hardening a tentacle until it was solid ice. The Ice Arrow just bounced off Morpha's tentacle shield like it was a bubble off a force field, and the aquatic creature leapt right over Young Link.

_And he jumped in the air and he did a somersault,_

_Whilst Abraham Lincoln tried to pole-vault._

_Onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air,_

_And they both got hit by the Care Bear's Stare._

The amoeba leapt towards Gohma, to take down the giant bug. Sliding on Bellum's blood, it started to do a complicated kind of dance on the slippery floor. First it changed its body into a single snakelike tentacle as it weaved through the pieces of Adult Link. Then Toon Link decided to try and kill Young Link with a Great Spin Attack, and Morpha leapt onto the blade of his sword and leapt off again, with momentum propelling it several miles into the air. Looking comically at the earth, Morpha split into three separate tentacles, each with a third of the nucleus as it plummeted towards earth. All three landed behind the Octorok on top of the Shooting Gallery, oozing through the mouth and eye holes. All three parts rejoined each other on the ground as they all spun around together, leaping into the air in a ballet manoeuvre en route to Gohma. The Happy Mask Salesman decided to take a simpler approach to getting to Gohma, pole-vaulting with his sword onto Bellum. But both the amoeba and the strange man collided in the air, and a Gleeok who just happened to be in the area shot a beam at them, throwing them both far away.

_Angels sang out in immaculate chorus,_

_As down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris._

_He delivered a kick which could shatter bones,_

_Into the crotch of Indiana Jones._

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The skies turned dark as red clouds blocked the view of the storming sky. A huge hole filled with black light shot down, and a being slowly descended from the sky. The Skull Kid, wearing Majora's Mask, sat back in midair and shrugged.

"You people aren't any fun…"

Toon Link, with a twitching eye, drew his Phantom Sword and leapt up to Skull Kid. Pressing in the hourglass on his sword, Toon link, with a psycho laugh, activated his battle armour. Four arms, each with two weapons, shot out from his backpack, as two wings he miraculously sprouted kept him afloat in midair. Drawing a meteor hammer from his pocket, he swung it around as all his other weapons were wielded by the strange arms he had. Skull Kid just tilted his head to the side.

"You have one obvious weakness you know."

And charging his foot with dark energy, Skull Kid aimed a brutal kick at Little Toony.

_He fell over on the ground, writhing in pain,_

_As Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne._

_But Chuck saw through this clever disguise,_

_And he crushed Batman's head between his thighs._

A single drop of moisture leaked out from Toon Link's psycho-eyes. Screwing his face up in pain, he dropped all his weapons as the hands and wings he had disappeared. The cel-shaded boy fell to the ground, writhing in pain as the Skull Kid laughed.

"Hahaha! Not so psycho now, eh?" The straw child, floated down to earth and looked dead at Young Link. The boy gasped and ran behind a wall, disappearing in a flash of blue light. Instead, a small Deku Scrub ran out from behind, looking like the embodiment of innocence. Skull Kid grabbed a small piece of metal lying next to Toon Link as he cried anime tears. Pressing in an indent, the Skull Kid 'ooooohed' as it turned into a huge, spiked bat. The cel-shaded boy managed to get up, activating a chainsaw on his right arm, but the demon-possessed kid was far away by then. Deku Link happily skipped along the corpse-filled avenue, desperately hoping that Skull Kid couldn't see he was really Young Link. The scarecrow –child walked up to the plant kid and tilted his head to one side.

"Have you seen a kid in green, about yay big, carries a sword, wears a hat like yours?"

Deku Link shrugged and tried to skip off from the battlefield, hoping that Skull Kid didn't know. But a hit from a huge, spiked bat proved the Skull Kid could see through his facade. Deku Link screamed as he was thrown forward, bleeding from several wounds in the side of his head. Skull Kid laughed and incanted a spell that made his thighs glow with dark power. Before Deku Link could escape, Skull Kid had crushed his skull between his thighs, and a fountain of blood streamed from his neck. The skies cleared as the Skull Kid prepared to depart from Castle Town. But suddenly there was a massive thud that blew him off his feet.

_Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White,_

_And Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight,_

_Benito Mussolini, and the Blue Meanie,_

_Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie,_

_Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader,_

_Lo Pan, Superman and every single Power Ranger,_

_Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,_

_Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan,_

_All came out of nowhere lightning fast,_

_And kicked Chuck Norris and his cowboy ass._

_It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw,_

_Civilians looking on in total awe._

Suddenly a massive pentagram appeared on Castle Town's ground, concentrated on the Skull Kid, who found he could no longer move. In a flash of light, the Ocean King and Light Sage Rauru appeared, casting a powerful spell at Skull Kid.

"Aw phooey."

And in that one second, Majora's Mask exploded, and the Skull Kid fell apart. Gohma roared at the pentagram, and prepared to attack the Ocean King. But then a roar reached Gohma's ears, and she gasped at the sight she saw Volvagia, the Magma Dragon, cart wheeling towards her. She shot a huge burst of flame at the reptile, only to have Volvagia counter with his ray of heat.

A portal of darkness opened up in the side of a building, and Ganondorf stepped out. Seeing the devastation caused by all the Zelda cast, he decided to join in on the violence. He cast a dark spell on Rauru, forcing him to attack the Ocean King with a huge beam of magic. The old king of a world countered the golden ray with a blast of blue lightning, and the power of the Ocean King fought pure light. Meanwhile, as Castle Town's dam burst, Morpheel, the massive electric eel, broke the surface of the water in a buzz of lightning. Focusing its power, it shot a massive lightning bolt at Rauru, who was thrown to the ground and then destroyed by the Ocean King's lightning. The Ocean King diverted all his lightning towards Ganondorf, who had no time to counter. The dark King of Thieves was destroyed in a spectacular burst of blood and lightning. King Bulbin chose that moment to ride in, charging towards Morpheel to get in to the city. With a simple flick of the tail, Morpheel sent a deluge of water at the king's mount, electrocuting it with a bolt of thunder. The now-on foot goblin king grabbed his bow and loosed an arrow into Morpheel's eye. The massive eel was blinded, and it writhed around in pain. But by sheer chance, it lunged right at the Moblin king, biting him in half.

With a burst of light and a spin, Phantom Ganon appeared in the town-turned arena. Laughing his evil laugh, he leapt down at Toon Link, who had recovered from Skull Kid's attack, albeit with a blood-filled crotch. Swinging his huge, black-and blue sword, Link barely had time to counter with his chainsaw, placing them in a locked-sword battle. Phantom Ganon tried to charge up a bolt of magic, but Toon Link smashed his hand off with a mace in his free hand. Cursing Link's name, he fell backwards, smoke pouring from his stump on his left hand. Toon Link drew his bow (which he had frisked back from Young Link's corpse) and fired a light arrow into the fiend, destroying him for good.

Gohma was running out of breath. They'd been spurting flames for twenty minutes straight against each other! The massive centipede stopped breathing flames, and ducked under Volvagia's inferno. Swinging her huge scythes, she caught Volvagia twice in the side. The dragon fell a few feet in the air, then recovered just before it touched the ground. Circling the giant bug, Volvagia plunged the two of them into the ground, into a lava pit that would be the spot of their final battle.

Out of the sky fell two figures in a blaze of fire- one huge and humanoid, the other armoured and draconic. The earth shook and the ground was depressed into a crater as Eox, Giant Stone Soldier, and Argorok, Twilight Dragon, landed to continue their fight after destroying the City in the Sky. Eox launched three punches in succession towards Argorok, who managed to avoid each and every one thrown at him. Argorok, in turn, attacked Eox's right arm, crushing the stone armour and leaving the hammer-like fist on the end of a steel frame. Eox punched again, but Argorok feinted and made the giant punch the ground. The shock of the pulse crushed all the already-cracked armour on Eox, leaving nothing but an iron frame giant. Argorok charged into the centre of his foe, knowing if he destroyed that Eox would fall apart. Eox buckled and fell as the massive chest was destroyed by the dragon. But Eox had one final ace up its sleeve….

With Argorok still in the middle of its body, Eox crushed itself inward, crushing Argorok to death and killing them both together.

The fights continued to rage on. In their ultimate fight, Volvagia was defeated by Gohma, but not before destroying the carapace of and seriously wounding the centipede. The Ocean King finally fell as an army of Stalfos decimated both his magic and his body. His last act was to kill all of them and send out a SOS to another magician.

Koume and Kotake, otherwise known as Twinrova, answered the call. Fusing together, they managed to freeze then melt Morpheel, but not before being eaten whole.

Cyclok, Stirrer of Winds, and Blaaz, Master of Fire, took on Saria and Dairunia, sages of Forest and Fire respectively. The giant squid managed to overcome Saria with a tornado that nigh-on destroyed Castle Town, but not before his brain exploded from magical fatigue. Dairunia managed to crush Blaaz into nothing, but not before losing an eye, leg and arm to the dark mage.

Gohma, coughing up blood from her fight, didn't see one of the combatants for the last fight. Within moments of trying to attack, Puppet Ganon was crushed, falling apart in an explosion of shadowy blood. Looking around the wrecked Castle Town market, she could see a huge pile of bodies and blood that put MadWorld to shame. A thousand people must have fought and died here…..

_The fight raged on for a century,_

_Many lives were claimed, but eventually,_

_The champion stood, the rest saw their better-_

_Mr Rogers in a bloodstained sweater._

On a pile of bodies five feet high, the final champion sighed and sat down on half a wooden body. Polishing his dyed-red boomerang, the man brushed the excess blood from all the fights off his orange robe. The Old Man looked at the devastation and sighed.

"Dodongo dislikes smoke, bitch!"


End file.
